Baby, Interrupted

This has been quite an emotional day. For starters, we find out tomorrow if we are having a boy or a girl. No, I don't want to wait until the baby is born because I don't want to and I don't have to so there. Tonight is the last night I will spend on this earth not knowing whether or not I will be a mom to two boys or a boy or a girl. Tonight is the last night my new baby remains nameless. Tonight is the last night I will call "it" "it".

I'm excited and nervous as can be expected. Excited because I can't wait to get a look at the bean. I haven't seen "it" in 9 weeks and I really am dying to know if "it" is a boy or a girl. If things go as planned, this will be the last night I ever spend dying to know if I'm having a boy or a girl. Did I mention that Lloyd and I are planning to stop at two? We are. So this make this last night that much more special.

I'm nervous because, well, I work at a children's hospital and I see the outcomes of births that are not the stuff Hallmark cards are made out of. Plus, I had the hemorrhage earlier in this pregnancy and I wonder if it is still there. Are there any ramifications to be seen from it? Sort of glad this is the last night I will spend worrying about this. Ahhh, who am I kidding? I could have a perfect ultrasound and I would still worry about this.

I'm not going to dwell on the nervous stuff... back to the excited stuff! Is it a boy or a girl? I'll be sending the slideshow out tomorrow!!! Damn... I've been crying my eyes out making the thing so I hope you all enjoy our special way of announcing the gender.

Something that makes this that much more emotional is the fact that I'm only having this last night... this January 31, 2005..... because I lost my last pregnancy. That baby.... that "it"... was due January 29th. Knowing that I'm sitting here, feeling this "it" move, working on a slideshow, typing this entry, experiencing this night of many lasts, dying with excitement and feeling rather nervous (oops... wasn't going to talk about the nerves) only because I lost my second baby is a rather indescribable feeling. Heck, the majority of the world would argue with me that I even lost a baby. They would call "it" an "it" and mean "it" in a bad way... not in the way a mother who doesn't know if her baby is a boy or a girl means "it". I know I lost a baby so suck it world.

It is difficult to grieve someone you never met. Not that it is difficult to grieve but it is a confusing grief. Honestly, I was asked so many times how I was holding up after the miscarriage and I just answered "I don't know". I still don't know. I didn't lose memories or moments or late night snuggles and endless readings of Dr. Suess books. I lost the potential for all those things. But see, as I sit here now feeling "it" move and dreaming of my life with my new baby in my arms, I didn't lose the potential, I just gained new potential. The potential I have with this "it". So, while it's sad. It's not, really. But it is. This is what I meant about being confusing.

So, while Lloyd and I are planning on only having two children, I know I'm the mom to the three.

Things NOT to say to a pregnant person

So many people say so many stupid things to me when I'm pregnant, I thought I would start keeping track as they happen.

Things NOT to say to a pregnant person (especially THIS pregnant person)

1. "Hey Amanda, you know what? In that shirt you don't look pregnant, you just look fat."

Singles... then and now

My husband just gave me (at my request) the cd sountrack to the movie Singles. For those of you who have never seen the movie Singles, shame on you, and obviously you didn't hang out with me in high school because everyone I knew had the movie memorized and could do the one woman stage production of Singles (and often did the one woman stage production of Singles) at the drop of the dime.

I adored the soundtrack and it was often the background music for cruising the hill back in the summer of 1993. I especially adored the two tracks by Paul Westerburg. I didn't actually own the tape or the cd back then. I copied a tape off of my friend Emily and that weathered tape, namely the Paul Westerburg songs, saw me through some romantic turmoils of my late teens early 20's. I had all but forgotten about the movie and the soundtrack when I was visiting my dad a few weeks ago and Singles was on one of his 2 million HBO channels (not sure which one because I really think there are now 2 million HBOs.... back when I watched Singles for the first time on HBO there was only one HBO... a much simpler time) and all of a sudden time turned back and I immediately asked my husband for the soundtrack.

(By the way, I realize all this husband gave me the soundtrack and asked my husband for the soundtrack makes me sound like I'm incapable of purchasing a cd soundtrack for myself but he belongs to the cd club so he buys all the cds....... ok, so technically I am unable to purchase a cd.... whatever).

So, I'm listening to Waiting for Somebody by Paul Westerburg on my way to work earlier in the week and there were those lyrics:

I know down deep, I made a big decision
I'm going to sleep, I'm going there alone

I know damn well, I'm tired of all this crying
On my feet as far as I can tell

Ahhhh... those lyrics. So empowering and so deep... I really felt those lyrics.... those forgotten lyrics. They reminded me of a time long ago when breaking up, cruising, can I copy your Singles soundtrack, were all a part of my vocabulary. Hanging out with all my friends, memorizing the movie just so we could quote the lines at the first opportunity. Just knowing that one day we would all wear flannel and live in a cool apartment building in Seattle. That song meant a lot to me back then for, I had made some big decisions that left me in bed (and many other places) all alone. I have been tired of crying and you know what, I did end up on my feet. At least, from what I could tell.

The nostalgia was short-lived as Gavin began to fuss in the backseat. At the end of the song there is a lot of "Hey", "Hey", "Hey" and he appeared to be having a difficult time figuring out who was saying "Hey" to him and it was pissing him off. I hit the repeat button and listened to the song again only this time, I heard the 2005 version of it. The version had the same lyrics but meant something totally different. This time, the decision I made was to stop co-sleeping and put Gavin in his own crib so yes, I was going to bed alone. I am really tired of all this crying but it isn't my crying I'm tired of. It's Gavin's crying. But, as far as I can tell, we've ended up on our feet.